Moving On While Standing Still (and eating my own words for breakfast)

I know I sound crazy. I feel it. And, I expect that many of my friends are anticipating hearing I have my bags packed and the moving truck is arriving any day now to haul me out of Christchurch.

However, the funniest thing happened these past two weeks that I had no prepossession of...I lost all my FEAR for the moment.

WOW, I cannot tell you how good that feels. For once, I am speechless...well, almost (never totally speechless is a writer).

I still watch where I am and look around for things to flatten me, but it FEELS differently for reasons that I am not positively sure of, but can only guess at. And, I know I said I would write about ‘other’ things for the moment, but let’s face it...I CANNOT NOT write about this.

These past couple of weeks have been ‘full-on’ for me personally, but then, they always are. Sometimes I feel I live a year inside a week and have felt that way since arriving in New Zealand almost nine years ago. The earthquakes simply feel like exclamation points on an already screaming sentence I call my life.

I have never been accused of being complacent, too passionate, yes, but never complacent. Has complacency settled in?

No, there are a few things that keep happening that makes me FEEL and believe, I am right where I am supposed to be, for now let’s call it, a higher purpose.

For one thing, when I began to make plans to move away immediately from Christchurch, I began to justify leaving behind others who could not physically move away, that well, love and need me as much as I do them. Ah, a Catch-22.

Yep, that is how it works...we tend to go down with the ship with such feelings (and, let’s face it, when have I ever done exactly what I said I was going to do)...and, right after the last set of double earthquakes that did literally ‘scare me shitless’ and had me out looking at real estate in Timaru the day after double indemnity, well...I began to watch a consistent thread running through my life.

I believe ‘running’ is the KEY word here...

When you are sitting in Christchurch dealing with the demon you know, it is hard to pick a place to go that does not have its own demons yet unrecognized...or, perhaps living through so many earthquakes has begun to make me feel invincible, not...I promise not, but I have discovered it was not DEATH that I am afraid of.

The FEAR was and is with living with the constant upheaval and the lack of admittance to the problem at hand. Now, there are things being leaked slowly to confirm I am not crazy, perhaps just more intuitive than most, and very aware of my FEELINGS.

Since September and earthquake #1, we at our house were expecting more earthquakes; you can and do feel their potentiality under your feet if you just take the time to stand still long enough and even when you don’t, you can feel the energy building up and the need for release. Many people who have never talked this way, now talk about FEELING them coming and knowing in advance. Funny that, we are intuitive creatures still, some call us human animals, I think that is a blessing at this moment.

And, there is more to come, earthquakes in Christchurch. But, the same is true with tornados in Oklahoma and even in the state of Massachusetts, we should expect the unexpected no matter where we live. The world is having one of those readjustment periods, or shall I say, is just doing what it always has done, but that we ourselves do not remember.

I feel that every geo tech in the world should be bargaining on how to get here and study what goes on under the patter of feet in Christchurch. And, a few have arrived and discovered enough I think to turn most heads pure white. True, some things you would rather NOT know, but I think that those who DO KNOW are being a bit more free with their information, thereby, giving sensitive folks like me a hand out to not feel so damned crazy.

So, how do we live with this? My friends and I have mapped out “NO GO” places. There are places not yet mapped by the government that they and I will not go to....no matter what. Or, in case of extreme emergencies, we contemplate the process very care-full-ly.

Like yesterday when my husband asked me to go and FEEL a property that might have potential problems. It had been signed off by three engineers as a SAFE building. Yet, he asked me to go to a place I would normally refuse to go to and if I FELT like there was a potential problem, he would write to the people who owned the building and insist upon a geotechnical report for the safety of those working within it. How could I resist this?

It did not take me long to FEEL into the position this property sits within. Sure, the building was fine...but, the land it sits on...has rushing water under my feet on one side of it, and a hollowed out feeling on the opposite. A prescription for disaster in this turbulent make-over of Christchurch, we do not need more engineers...we need geo techs! Or, more responsive people who know how to stand up and say quite boldly...

I CAN FEEL THE DANGER HERE AND NO ONE SHOULD THINK THAT MAKING MONEY IS AS IMPORTANT AS ANY LIFE THAT MIGHT BE NEEDED FOR MORE IMPORTANT THINGS....

So, that is what I have been doing, moving beyond my FEAR and standing still for the moment and saying to those who will listen, don’t go there, come here...and follow your own intuition when it FEELS wrong, trust it, instead of listening to what a building engineer tells you because building engineers have some very strong limitations...

They only look at buildings and not what lies beneath your feet. It all matters here and everywhere else you may go...

And, no one KNOWS enough to make a large group of people actually SAFE in a now documented earthquake zone that is doing what it will do for as long as it takes.

So, I am moving on while standing still.

But, for those who worry about me...don’t...I will die one day, perhaps by earthquake, perhaps not, but when I do die, I won’t do it running into the demons I don’t know, but will hopefully die facing them.

And, that FEELS right and good and responsible to those whom I brought into this world and will one day leave behind...

I am moving on, it just looks different than I first anticipated.