From Private Beach to Public Nudity

Okay, I cannot hide it any further. I am one of THOSE.

I began my life with a decided thirst for TRUTH, to discover there was a short supply. Mostly, there are numerous, conflicting, life threatening, mind numbing, irrational, unfounded (but, traditionally held) BELIEFS.

A BELIEF is not a reality. In fact, all BELIEFS are based on MYTH, facts are something that by simple definition can be rationally held by everyone who is alive.

However, more and more, I see people stepping up to act on BELIEFS, just like Anders Behring Breivik who make reality a living hell for an entire ‘fact-less’ planet.

For those who BELIEVE that Breivik's actions can in any way be justified, I hold a very special place in my mind that says, I am sorry you are so sick inside to not be able to balance the too much information you have received from so many sick, amalgamated, cluster-f***ed BELIEFS.

Our BELIEFS are now globalized, televised, and...becoming actualized so that we can all see the results of BELIEFS and their manifestations...

DEATH by those who take them as TRUTH.

I can think of no BELIEF worthy enough to take another’s life. I think people have lost something very important when they resort to violence to provoke, or worse, to protect a world they merely BELIEVE in.

Much of the world has lost control of one very potent mental function...they have lost their IMAGINATIONS, so busy are they BELIEVING something.

John Lennon knew how to IMAGINE properly.

Anders Behring Breivik lost his IMAGINATION to an irrational web of BELIEFS that should frighten anyone to entertain. And, how much more do we all need to WITNESS, before we turn off the pipeline of information that shovels BELIEFS into us instantaneously...

Turn off the pipeline...turn off the television, the mediated spaces, the fascination... and WRITE down your own BELIEFS...take a good look at them, and PUSH DELETE on most of them...especially the ones that tell you this...

That you are in some way more special, more enlightened, more saved, better off, smarter, wiser...AND/OR...that you are the opposite of any of these things.

BELIEVE the only thing you can prove...you are alive.

Many Norwegian youths cannot say that today. They were killed by Breivik for their BELIEFS, because of his BELIEFS...and, to throw ours into the mix to justify and or vilify is simply the destruction of more life. Just like every army in the world sets out to do...KILL those who do not share their BELIEFS, we each do the same by pushing a BELIEF of any kind upon anyone.

This is the result of globalized mediation. The media keeps the hellish fires burning, to fascinate us. And, who cannot be fascinated by this very well laid out script of BELIEFS that Breivik has left for the world to munch on?

I would suspect the answer to that is no one.

Even I have to write about it. But, what I can DECIDE to do is give no more responses to his fallacious BELIEFS and state nothing but the FACTS.

The FACTS are simple and few.

Beivik lost his mind.

He killed a lot of people because he lost his mind to BELIEFS.

The only thing any of us can DO about it...is INVESTIGATE our own BELIEFS and see if we hold any that might prove as destructive as his did...and, if we do...

Push delete...literally and quickly.

Then, IMAGINE something better.

This is not easy to do in overly mediated spaces. Sometimes it means you must walk on a beach alone, with only one person to THINK through.

But, THINK, you must.

What can I prove to be true?

And, if I cannot prove what I BELIEVE, perhaps it does not serve me or anyone else on this planet to BELIEVE in it.

Most of the people on the planet today... simply BELIEVE something that has been handed to them, something time worn, something traditional, something that goes back for generations, BUT...is still no more REAL than Santa Claus.

IMAGINE something different...it’s easy if you try.

And then, don’t BELIEVE it to be TRUTH either, but do everything possible to make it a reality as long as it leaves things just as you are, and just as I am...alive and happy to be so.

And for those who KNEW the victims of BELIEF by Breivik, I hope you will be capable of imagining PEACE, LOVE and HARMONY one day...I know it will be one of the hardest things you might ever have to do, but I employ you to try...and, my promise to you is this...I will try, too.

A Bay With My Name On It

Parading the roads on Saturday I accidently found a bay to tuck into without ever thinking of leaving.

When I finally left this sheltered place it was like being unplugged from a miraculous event. A bay as of yet, not too discovered or encroached upon by two legged creatures, and only about an hour and fifteen minutes drive out of Christchurch.

This bay with black sand and floating golden castles amongst the trees next to the sea of turquoise blinding my memory of anything else, I stood amazed, fell to my knees, sat in place, I tried to take photos and only a third would appear, the shutter to my camera lens, was like I, blown away by the unanticipated love affair.

I found my place to negotiate my need to flee Christchurch. A place I can arrive at easily and contemplate the natural aspects of life that sometimes feels as if they might roll over me like the pounding surf.

In this place of shelter the sea feels moderated by the distinct absence of golden sand, the black sand juxtaposing the drift wood like ancient bones with so many stories to tell me...the golden aspects in the cliffs peaking through the trees like ancient cathedrals welcoming me to worship my own appreciation of nature.

I sat listening and made a vow to return often, to make it my own place of refuge and ordered pilgrimage. This bay shall have no name for now. It is a private beach with my name on it.

I Met My Goddess

I awoke this morning and revelled in my FEAR-LESS-NESS.

At the prompting of a goddess, I joined a Yoga class that seems to put me back into my right body mind, of being cautious, without being terrified.
Apparently, the body stores fear in places that is released with simple stretches and breathing properly.

When I was young, I could not feel the immediate results of Yoga, but now that I am the same age as a speed sign in America and recently traumatized by living in 'earthquake alley'--I can instantly feel relief after a Yoga session that dislodges energy packets stuck in my body through fear. Fear sucks the life out of you. Yoga helps.

Witnessing what Yoga has done for a woman I am privileged to help take care of in the latter stages of MS, has made a profound impression upon me. Her practises with Yoga before becoming housebound and wheelchair bound are a direct result of how well she controls her own life now, from a body space with little mobility left to her hands and none to her feet.

But, oh, her mind...her mind is liberated!

I have not worked for this woman long, but already, she has done more to improve my life than any other person I have ever met.

She is my Tuesdays with Morrie experience and has taught me that knowing how to die...is knowing how to live.

It has been a transformational time, which simply means, I get to leave something behind and claim something else that might or might not be new, but was certainly buried deep inside me.

LIFE...lack of FEAR...and the ability to still move my own body around freely should be enough to inspire the will to live. But, sometimes, it doesn’t...and, on those days, Yoga helps as well as reflecting on my woman mentor who puts things back into perspective.

Please do NOT get me wrong, it is not a ‘there, but for the grace of god go I’ experience. It is definitely a ‘there, is a goddess I hope to duplicate in all my life and death experiences’ bar none!

Everything about her is worth duplicating in the face of anything that happens to me. And, so I try...she recommended Yoga, and I complied...I had to in the state of awe that I was in upon meeting her, and the state of FEAR I had allowed after the last two earthquakes we had in Christchurch.

When interviewing me for the job as one of her many caretakers (which is silly to call us, as it is she who takes care of us), my soon to be mentor asked me directly, “what are you looking for?” And, I replied, “someone to make me want to stay here”...and she supplied the reasons for that immediately.

So, now you know why my ‘moving on’ is ‘standing still’...and the words I am eating for breakfast are making me into a better version of what I was whilst traumatized, now FEAR-LESS, on the back side of meeting a goddess in the flesh.

Oh my, how things are supplied to make us KNOW we are right where we are supposed to be.

Interestingly, Tuesdays are one of my days with my goddess...and Fridays...and any other time she needs me. I will not leave her, it is for her to leave me now, or, perhaps we shall go together...one never knows and should never FEAR the living act of dying that awaits us.

I FEAR less, after meeting my goddess. And, Yoga helps, too.

Moving On While Standing Still (and eating my own words for breakfast)

I know I sound crazy. I feel it. And, I expect that many of my friends are anticipating hearing I have my bags packed and the moving truck is arriving any day now to haul me out of Christchurch.

However, the funniest thing happened these past two weeks that I had no prepossession of...I lost all my FEAR for the moment.

WOW, I cannot tell you how good that feels. For once, I am speechless...well, almost (never totally speechless is a writer).

I still watch where I am and look around for things to flatten me, but it FEELS differently for reasons that I am not positively sure of, but can only guess at. And, I know I said I would write about ‘other’ things for the moment, but let’s face it...I CANNOT NOT write about this.

These past couple of weeks have been ‘full-on’ for me personally, but then, they always are. Sometimes I feel I live a year inside a week and have felt that way since arriving in New Zealand almost nine years ago. The earthquakes simply feel like exclamation points on an already screaming sentence I call my life.

I have never been accused of being complacent, too passionate, yes, but never complacent. Has complacency settled in?

No, there are a few things that keep happening that makes me FEEL and believe, I am right where I am supposed to be, for now let’s call it, a higher purpose.

For one thing, when I began to make plans to move away immediately from Christchurch, I began to justify leaving behind others who could not physically move away, that well, love and need me as much as I do them. Ah, a Catch-22.

Yep, that is how it works...we tend to go down with the ship with such feelings (and, let’s face it, when have I ever done exactly what I said I was going to do)...and, right after the last set of double earthquakes that did literally ‘scare me shitless’ and had me out looking at real estate in Timaru the day after double indemnity, well...I began to watch a consistent thread running through my life.

I believe ‘running’ is the KEY word here...

When you are sitting in Christchurch dealing with the demon you know, it is hard to pick a place to go that does not have its own demons yet unrecognized...or, perhaps living through so many earthquakes has begun to make me feel invincible, not...I promise not, but I have discovered it was not DEATH that I am afraid of.

The FEAR was and is with living with the constant upheaval and the lack of admittance to the problem at hand. Now, there are things being leaked slowly to confirm I am not crazy, perhaps just more intuitive than most, and very aware of my FEELINGS.

Since September and earthquake #1, we at our house were expecting more earthquakes; you can and do feel their potentiality under your feet if you just take the time to stand still long enough and even when you don’t, you can feel the energy building up and the need for release. Many people who have never talked this way, now talk about FEELING them coming and knowing in advance. Funny that, we are intuitive creatures still, some call us human animals, I think that is a blessing at this moment.

And, there is more to come, earthquakes in Christchurch. But, the same is true with tornados in Oklahoma and even in the state of Massachusetts, we should expect the unexpected no matter where we live. The world is having one of those readjustment periods, or shall I say, is just doing what it always has done, but that we ourselves do not remember.

I feel that every geo tech in the world should be bargaining on how to get here and study what goes on under the patter of feet in Christchurch. And, a few have arrived and discovered enough I think to turn most heads pure white. True, some things you would rather NOT know, but I think that those who DO KNOW are being a bit more free with their information, thereby, giving sensitive folks like me a hand out to not feel so damned crazy.

So, how do we live with this? My friends and I have mapped out “NO GO” places. There are places not yet mapped by the government that they and I will not go to....no matter what. Or, in case of extreme emergencies, we contemplate the process very care-full-ly.

Like yesterday when my husband asked me to go and FEEL a property that might have potential problems. It had been signed off by three engineers as a SAFE building. Yet, he asked me to go to a place I would normally refuse to go to and if I FELT like there was a potential problem, he would write to the people who owned the building and insist upon a geotechnical report for the safety of those working within it. How could I resist this?

It did not take me long to FEEL into the position this property sits within. Sure, the building was fine...but, the land it sits on...has rushing water under my feet on one side of it, and a hollowed out feeling on the opposite. A prescription for disaster in this turbulent make-over of Christchurch, we do not need more engineers...we need geo techs! Or, more responsive people who know how to stand up and say quite boldly...

I CAN FEEL THE DANGER HERE AND NO ONE SHOULD THINK THAT MAKING MONEY IS AS IMPORTANT AS ANY LIFE THAT MIGHT BE NEEDED FOR MORE IMPORTANT THINGS....

So, that is what I have been doing, moving beyond my FEAR and standing still for the moment and saying to those who will listen, don’t go there, come here...and follow your own intuition when it FEELS wrong, trust it, instead of listening to what a building engineer tells you because building engineers have some very strong limitations...

They only look at buildings and not what lies beneath your feet. It all matters here and everywhere else you may go...

And, no one KNOWS enough to make a large group of people actually SAFE in a now documented earthquake zone that is doing what it will do for as long as it takes.

So, I am moving on while standing still.

But, for those who worry about me...don’t...I will die one day, perhaps by earthquake, perhaps not, but when I do die, I won’t do it running into the demons I don’t know, but will hopefully die facing them.

And, that FEELS right and good and responsible to those whom I brought into this world and will one day leave behind...

I am moving on, it just looks different than I first anticipated.