Moving On

Okay, now that all that STUFF is out of the way...here are the mechanics of life right before Christmas until NOW...

A decision was finally made to move out of Christchurch. I know, many friends from outside Christchurch (especially my family and friends in the USA) are saying, 'finally', but it is not an easy decision to leave behind a city that needs so much help. However, we are convinced now that the only help we can give will be to return to Christchurch from time to time and hopefully bring with us the clarity that can only be gained from a distance.

Christchurch is in deep need of some clarity. And, so are we.

We went on holiday to Kaikora for one night and on to Blenheim for seven more nights and camped in a tent...the most secure feeling in the world for those of us who live in earthquake alley. Having nothing more substantial over one's head than a micro fiber spells RELIEF to the soul continuously checking out the structure or escape routes of homes and buildings in Christchurch. I am looking forward to NOT sleeping with my cell phone at arms length in the very near future!

And, I might add, I am looking forward to living anywhere on all the other many and various known and unknown faultlines in New Zealand with the same underlying awareness that rocking and rolling is always a possibility, but the recent historical record of how things are being addressed in Christchurch, well...I shall not comment except to say that we have decided that for us...distance is in order.

For our many friends who must stay in Christchurch for their own or other reasons...we have acquired many extra tents (a fact) and an open door policy that has always been a part of our ethics (another fact)...come, come as often as you need to become refreshed, camp in our next surroundings and express yourself with as many earthquake stories as you need to exude to clean out the clogged arteries! We will allow you to pick the topic, paint the picture as you see it with your own words, and simply LISTEN. We have no solutions either, only ideas going unheard.

Meanwhile, we have put our home on the market and anticipate a fairly quick sale as it is undamaged. We regret that we have to leave behind Brother John's creation, but Brother John's motto is 'don't worry, be happy' and even he felt this was definitely revisable when standing in the door frame too many times in one day...it pays to worry just a little when living in Christchurch, and at least we know we will leave behind a safe enough place for the next owner to scurry to when the going gets going a little too much. The outdoor kitchen is heaven on earth during a major quake...we know, we got to use it the very first night of its completion.

While on vacation, we fed the eels and ducks a lot, sat by a natural stream and contemplated which way to go. We decided on Blenheim at the top of the South Island, closer to the North Island which we feel we have ignored too long and home to Marlborough Country and the best Savignon Blanc grapes in the world. Even though I do not drink, I certainly enjoy the ambiance of the perfect rows everywhere growing the nectar of the gods...laugh out loud, or so they think. But, it is also next door to the Marlborough Sounds which is and always will be one of my favorite places on this planet...the Sounds are for the spirit a huge upliftment that can be even for a writer, darned near indescribable. Pristine beauty.

We will be close to Picton where we can hop on the boat, go across the strait (on a fine day of course) and investigate what for us has become to feel like another country, the North Island of New Zealand. Should I mention that we will then be situated right on the Great Alpine Faultline? Well, for my worried compadres in Oklahoma, you are sitting on the faultline of fracking, and now, this disease is going viral so I don't reckon anywhere to be safe enough from our own stupidity, but the aesthetics of the region will simply have to make up for it. And, it does...I will send you pictures soon enough.

It has been seventeen months of hard work. We have been fortunate to get out a few times and feel the difference between living in a world not totally focused on devastation and rebuilding and the world of such...the contrast is enormous and the anticipation of getting out and starting over is as you would expect...a real thrill and a real bummer (nice seventies vocabulary)...bittersweet...but, we are not leaving Christchurch entirely behind as we will take it with us on many levels and come back often to visit, encourage and hopefully even one day get to help redirect some of the thinking going on at another time more ripe for ideas that will bring relief instead of more mayhem. Right now, Christchurch feels stuffed with too many minds that need a particular vacation from this place...there are a few who simply need a one way ticket out of here.

Enough. We are busy packing, moving, showing, trying not to tell and telling only what those who must remain behind need to hear...wherever we go, we will take this collective consciousness with us and always have the tents ready for as many as feel the need to spell themselves relief with micro fibers...such a strangely blended world we all now live in...

My love, as always...belongs to each and every one of you...

Moving On While Standing Still (and eating my own words for breakfast)

I know I sound crazy. I feel it. And, I expect that many of my friends are anticipating hearing I have my bags packed and the moving truck is arriving any day now to haul me out of Christchurch.

However, the funniest thing happened these past two weeks that I had no prepossession of...I lost all my FEAR for the moment.

WOW, I cannot tell you how good that feels. For once, I am speechless...well, almost (never totally speechless is a writer).

I still watch where I am and look around for things to flatten me, but it FEELS differently for reasons that I am not positively sure of, but can only guess at. And, I know I said I would write about ‘other’ things for the moment, but let’s face it...I CANNOT NOT write about this.

These past couple of weeks have been ‘full-on’ for me personally, but then, they always are. Sometimes I feel I live a year inside a week and have felt that way since arriving in New Zealand almost nine years ago. The earthquakes simply feel like exclamation points on an already screaming sentence I call my life.

I have never been accused of being complacent, too passionate, yes, but never complacent. Has complacency settled in?

No, there are a few things that keep happening that makes me FEEL and believe, I am right where I am supposed to be, for now let’s call it, a higher purpose.

For one thing, when I began to make plans to move away immediately from Christchurch, I began to justify leaving behind others who could not physically move away, that well, love and need me as much as I do them. Ah, a Catch-22.

Yep, that is how it works...we tend to go down with the ship with such feelings (and, let’s face it, when have I ever done exactly what I said I was going to do)...and, right after the last set of double earthquakes that did literally ‘scare me shitless’ and had me out looking at real estate in Timaru the day after double indemnity, well...I began to watch a consistent thread running through my life.

I believe ‘running’ is the KEY word here...

When you are sitting in Christchurch dealing with the demon you know, it is hard to pick a place to go that does not have its own demons yet unrecognized...or, perhaps living through so many earthquakes has begun to make me feel invincible, not...I promise not, but I have discovered it was not DEATH that I am afraid of.

The FEAR was and is with living with the constant upheaval and the lack of admittance to the problem at hand. Now, there are things being leaked slowly to confirm I am not crazy, perhaps just more intuitive than most, and very aware of my FEELINGS.

Since September and earthquake #1, we at our house were expecting more earthquakes; you can and do feel their potentiality under your feet if you just take the time to stand still long enough and even when you don’t, you can feel the energy building up and the need for release. Many people who have never talked this way, now talk about FEELING them coming and knowing in advance. Funny that, we are intuitive creatures still, some call us human animals, I think that is a blessing at this moment.

And, there is more to come, earthquakes in Christchurch. But, the same is true with tornados in Oklahoma and even in the state of Massachusetts, we should expect the unexpected no matter where we live. The world is having one of those readjustment periods, or shall I say, is just doing what it always has done, but that we ourselves do not remember.

I feel that every geo tech in the world should be bargaining on how to get here and study what goes on under the patter of feet in Christchurch. And, a few have arrived and discovered enough I think to turn most heads pure white. True, some things you would rather NOT know, but I think that those who DO KNOW are being a bit more free with their information, thereby, giving sensitive folks like me a hand out to not feel so damned crazy.

So, how do we live with this? My friends and I have mapped out “NO GO” places. There are places not yet mapped by the government that they and I will not go to....no matter what. Or, in case of extreme emergencies, we contemplate the process very care-full-ly.

Like yesterday when my husband asked me to go and FEEL a property that might have potential problems. It had been signed off by three engineers as a SAFE building. Yet, he asked me to go to a place I would normally refuse to go to and if I FELT like there was a potential problem, he would write to the people who owned the building and insist upon a geotechnical report for the safety of those working within it. How could I resist this?

It did not take me long to FEEL into the position this property sits within. Sure, the building was fine...but, the land it sits on...has rushing water under my feet on one side of it, and a hollowed out feeling on the opposite. A prescription for disaster in this turbulent make-over of Christchurch, we do not need more engineers...we need geo techs! Or, more responsive people who know how to stand up and say quite boldly...

I CAN FEEL THE DANGER HERE AND NO ONE SHOULD THINK THAT MAKING MONEY IS AS IMPORTANT AS ANY LIFE THAT MIGHT BE NEEDED FOR MORE IMPORTANT THINGS....

So, that is what I have been doing, moving beyond my FEAR and standing still for the moment and saying to those who will listen, don’t go there, come here...and follow your own intuition when it FEELS wrong, trust it, instead of listening to what a building engineer tells you because building engineers have some very strong limitations...

They only look at buildings and not what lies beneath your feet. It all matters here and everywhere else you may go...

And, no one KNOWS enough to make a large group of people actually SAFE in a now documented earthquake zone that is doing what it will do for as long as it takes.

So, I am moving on while standing still.

But, for those who worry about me...don’t...I will die one day, perhaps by earthquake, perhaps not, but when I do die, I won’t do it running into the demons I don’t know, but will hopefully die facing them.

And, that FEELS right and good and responsible to those whom I brought into this world and will one day leave behind...

I am moving on, it just looks different than I first anticipated.