I have tried to remain faithful to writing something here every week since the earthquakes became such a large part of our lives here in Christchurch nearly a year ago. It was an act of fearlessness. To write some of my thoughts and put into a public forum, was in fact for me, a very frightening adventure.
Each time I push publish, I hold my breath.
Will I offend someone? Will I push someone over the edge of ambivalence to outright hating me or my mushy mind? It took an act of nature to make me not really give a damn. I had witnessed my own mortality, as well as the mortality of many friends and fellow Cantabrians. Life had become uncertain in the extreme sense of the word.
I still hold my breath. But, I push send anyway and hope that those who read, will read between the lines and guess that I am simply trying to discover a voice that might one day be consistent enough to write a complete version of many of the things I have only touched on.
Things like...morals (and not the prescribed ones, but those found through searching the self)...honesty (the kind that comes with confessing beliefs, or the lack of such, in the face of known consensus amongst friends, family and others)...passion (the kind that embraces activities other than sex)...confessions (the kind that reveals long withheld thoughts that I did not want to die without giving text)...
I use to be very afraid of technology and what might happen to me if I put myself 'out there'...meaning here...where others might inspect and find me lacking, confused, or worse...just plain boring. And, I admit, I am all of these things and more, but what is nice now, thanks to all the rocking and rolling with truly no where to run...
I am proud of myself for simply showing up, when the most appealing course of action was to run away and hide.
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